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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..