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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.