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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."