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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.