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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day