Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!