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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.