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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.