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“Knock him out.” – Mama
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.