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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
The problem with diets is pizza.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!