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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Just found out that Iām 53 Cheetos tall.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.