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I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
Do you really have to breath that much?
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.