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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.