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We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.