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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
Never squat with your spurs on
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Are walruses just vampire manatees?