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The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...