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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.