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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.