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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown