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To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...