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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.