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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I make a great second impression.
I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.