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it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.