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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.