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Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.