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I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels