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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!