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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Sometimes, I`m offended at how easily offended some people get.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball