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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"