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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.