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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.