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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.