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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!