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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
This century is already 15% over.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.