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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
Iām glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.