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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Please: No,No.No-More about how you think relationships should be: we`ve got it , Your Single,,- get off facebook and go take your own expert advise...
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.