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Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.