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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol