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“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.