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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.