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I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.