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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.