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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?