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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
heyy lol
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.