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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.