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I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
My body needs a refresh button.