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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.