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I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"