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I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
The reason I talk to myself is because Iām the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.