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Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.