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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.