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You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.