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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.