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Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
he who laughs last thinks slow
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.