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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.