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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.