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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.