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Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.