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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.