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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.