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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
How Big is Infinity?
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?