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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.