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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!