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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
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Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.