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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.