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Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.