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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.