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Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.