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I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.