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My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
It’s not pretty being easy.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.