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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?