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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.